Collecting Happiness

“We experience happiness as a series of pleasing moments. They come and go like clouds, unpredictable, fleeting, and without responsibility to our desires. Through honest self-work, reflection, and meditation, we begin to string more of these moments together, creating a web-like design of happiness that drapes around our lives.”

- Tara Stiles

Okay, so Tara Stiles might not be a household name, but she’s not wrong! There are so many different types of happinesses in our lives that we experience as sweet, wispy moments in time. Maybe it was the smile and little wave from the toddler at the cafe (Earth), or being able to get in and out of the DMV quickly (Wood); finally finishing that big closet declutter (Metal), or getting that unexpected bouquet of beautiful flowers on our birthday (Fire).

No matter how small or fleeting, these happinesses lift our spirits and make our hearts sing. And while we can’t live in these moments forever (how creepy would it be if we had a toddler constantly smiling and waving at us?!), if we put in the effort to understand why these moments brought us happiness, we can create more than a gauzy web of happiness. We can create a more durable and substantial fabric of happinesses to envelop ourselves in.

Making Happiness Last

To weave our fabric of happinesses, we have to start by collecting happy memories. Happiness is not the result of having no Alarm Emotions blaring in any given moment; happiness is the consequence of doing something that results in a positive emotion. Indulge in that strawberry ice cream at the farmer’s market. Dance so hard at your cousin’s wedding that your feet swell up and you have to walk back to your hotel room barefoot! Happiness doesn’t come out of nowhere, you have to act to make happy moments happen.

After we’ve created happy moments, we need to be able to hold on to them. If they come and go without us creating a lasting memory, then the happiness they brought fades along with the remembrance. We are missing out on the happiness that memories can bring! Remember that ice cream you ate, or the good times at the wedding? Yes, you were happy in the moment, but even the recollection can bring a smile to your face. It’s like sitcom actors who collect residuals from reruns, except you’re collecting residual happiness by simply replaying a memory you lived. Don’t let those moments fade into obscurity!

Then, to really make the most from these memories, we should reflect on why these moments brought us happiness. Just like being able to name and differentiate your negative emotions allows you to understand how to tackle the underlying imbalances that caused them, understanding the reasons you feel happy in a given instance will allow you to create opportunities to bring you more happiness.

The Pursuit of Happiness

All this talk of happiness may lead you to conclude that we believe achieving perpetual happiness is the purpose of life. On the contrary, happiness is meant to be pursued through continuous action, a consequence of achieving balance in our lives. So how do we know which actions help us to achieve balance? By examining what makes us happy and doing more of that!

I know, I know, it’s like we’re talking in circles. But bear with us! The best way to make this make sense is with an example: let’s go back to that cousin’s wedding.

What were you doing that made you happy?

Dancing with the bride and groom and the rest of our family.

Why did that make you happy?

The music was great! Everyone was laughing and dancing together on the dance floor. We hadn’t seen a lot of our cousins from abroad for a very long time, so it was great to catch up and it was fun to do the Macarena again, like we did when we were kids.

When we examine why you were happy, it’s clear that you reconnected with your family in a shared, joyous experience. In the Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) framework, we would say you felt belonging and acceptance in a group – in this case, your literal tribe – and that is evidence of being balanced in your Earth element.

(I suspect this is the type of reflection Tara Stiles had in mind in her quote.)

Now that you know that balance and happiness come broadly from feeling like a part of a group or community, you can recreate that feeling in a lot of different ways, like having a backyard barbecue with your neighbors, or reaching out to the fam on the WhatsApp group chat. This type of happiness doesn’t only come from dancing at weddings!

Reflecting in this way and getting to the root of our happiness takes some practice before it becomes second nature. Luckily, Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) gives us a framework based on the Five Elements with which to understand our feelings of happiness:

Earth

The Earth element has to do with caring for and being cared for by others. When we feel the following sentiments (in italics) and emotions (listed below), it’s a sign that our Earth element is in balance.

“My needs are met; I don’t have any foreseeable worries”

• Carefree

• Comfortable

• Content

• Ease

• Relaxed

• Safe

• Satisfied

• Secure

“I feel like a part of a social group or community”

• Accepted

• Affinity

• Amiable

• Belonging

• Bonhomie

• Closeness

• Fellowship

• Geniality

• Kinship

“I feel taken care of by others”

• Grateful

• Safe

• Thankful

• Trust

“I want to care for another person”

• Altruistic

• Attentive

• Charitable

• Devoted

• Goodwill

• Kind

• Openhearted

• Sympathetic

• Tender

“I was able to take care of another person”

• Fulfilled

• Gratified

• Relieved

Metal

The element of Metal’s function is to create order. When your Metal is balanced, you know the rules and you know how to play your part. You are prepared to face people and situations in a way that allows you to relate to others and navigate around conflict.

“I see how this works”

• Clarity

• Fascinated

• Insightful

• Understanding

“Everything’s running smoothly”

• Orderly

• Organized

“I want to know how this works”

• Curious

• Focused

• Interested

• Intrigued

“I am interacting smoothly with the people around me”

• Agreement

• Camaraderie

• Cohesion

• Collegial

• Compatible

• Solidarity

• Symbiosis

• Tranquility

• Trust

“I know who I am”

• Confidence

• Self-assured

Water

Water is related to having a sense of purpose and is closely tied to spirituality and the divine. Through observation, we acquire knowledge and search for wisdom. It creates the feeling of being an integral part of something much bigger than ourselves.

“I feel reverence for the world around me”

• Amazed

• Awe

• Equanimity

• Hope

• Philosophical

• Serene

• Wonderment

“I feel like an integral part of the universe”

• Enlightened

• Fulfilled

• Humble

• Purpose

• Worth

“I can contribute to the greater good”

• Benevolence

• Conviction

• Elation

“Everything’s gonna be okay in the long run”

• Calm

• Hopeful

• Sanguine

Wood

Wood is the element of power. When our wood is balanced, we have an awareness of our strength and we’re able to wield our power and move in the direction we want towards achieving our goals. 

“In this environment, I am able to pursue what I want”

• Ease

• Free

• Unimpeded

• Unhindered

“I know what goals I want to pursue”

• Eagerness

• Enthusiastic

• Excited

• Exhilarated

• Inspired

• Motivated

“I have the abilities necessary to pursue what I want”

• Able

• Brave

• Capable

• (Self-)Confident

• Optimistic

“Things turned out the way I wanted and I made it happen”

• Gratified

• Jubilant

• Pleased

• Proud

• Relieved

• Thrilled

Fire

Fire is the element of love. When we perceive beauty, receive love and spread love, we stoke the Fire in our lives.

“I see you, and I like what I see”

• Admiration

• Adoration

• Affection

• Appreciation

• Attraction

• Enchantment

• Fondness

• Infatuation

“I feel seen”

• Admired

• Closeness

• Connected

• Intimacy

“I understand what you’re going through”

• Compassion

• Empathy

• Tenderness

• Warmth

“I enjoy what’s happening; this feels good”

• Amusement

• Delighted

• Ecstasy

• Elated

• Enchanted

• Enjoyment

• Euphoric

• Joyful

• Pleasure

Conclusion

If our goal is to create a durable fabric of happiness, we need to collect the happy memories we make and understand how we created balance so that we can do it again and again, when our balance falters.

Journaling is a great way to keep track, or if you’re like one Metal person we know, you can even create a spreadsheet (just make a column for a description of the event, why you were happy, then map it to one of the sentiments above to understand which Element was balanced). Then you can have a catalog of all the ways you can achieve balance and happiness available when you need a hand to get back on track.