Kids and the Five Elements
As I packed my bag to leave the hospital with my new baby, I thought, “I can’t believe they’re just letting us walk out of here with a newborn. No instruction manual, no test to make sure we know what we’re doing, just walk straight out the doors with a new baby in her car seat… This is crazy.” As she got older, and her needs became more complex, the more I wished for a guide on how to make sure I wasn’t screwing her up. Sure, there were plenty of books on parenting – and I definitely spent a small fortune propping up the entire industry – but while I found that some bits worked and others missed the mark completely, nothing was tailored to my child, my wildly unique, one-of-a-kind child and her needs.
Aren’t all of our kids wildly unique and one-of-a-kind? Of course they are! The idea that there is a single, “best” way to raise a child is patently absurd. There are so many variables: your personality, the baby’s personality, the life situation you’ve been dealt – the list is infinite. I only have one kid, but I’ve watched friends and family who have multiple young ones, and the ones with the most well-adjusted kids seem to emphasize giving each child what they need, and not necessarily giving each kid the same exact thing in the name of “equality.”
This led me to the idea of bespoke parenting, or tailoring parenting to the unique needs of the child in order to have a happy and harmonious family, as individuals and as a unit. I want to emphasize that we are talking about the needs of the child, not the wants of a child, and we believe strongly that parents should do everything they can to give their child what she needs. But what does she need?
Let’s start by understanding who our kids are, what they are driven by, and what is important to them. I’m sure you’ve guessed by now that we are going to do this through the lens of the Five Elements. As a reminder: everyone – including kids – displays the characteristics of each of the elements at one point or another, but some people definitely have a dominant element that shines through in their lives. For a deeper dive on each Element, click on the links below.
Fire Child
It’s hard to miss a Fire child. For starters, they won’t really let you miss them! Fire children are very charismatic and naturally draw a lot of attention to themselves with their love of performing. Whether they’re singing, acting, dancing, or being the class clown, the Fire child is sure to put on a show. This child is magical, and their beauty shines from within…as long as they’re balanced!!
The sweet and affectionate Fire child isn’t shy and loves to engage with both adults and other kids. They love to tell stories, living in a world of fantasy and engaging in pretend play; every pet and stuffed animal has a personality and backstory. But don’t confuse their tall tales and colorful exaggerations as being untruthful — that’s just their creative mind at work. And it’s this creativity that makes them wonderful when you need someone with artistic inspiration for a project at home or at school. Just don’t count on them to be terribly practical or to follow all the rules.
The Fire child wants to be seen and noticed, so to make them feel good, you’ve got to acknowledge and applaud their efforts. Ask them how they feel if they seem down, and make sure to pay attention to them. The worst fate a Fire child could imagine is to be overlooked, forgotten, or to be deemed worthless or a non-entity.
Earth Child
The Earth child will not demand attention the way a Fire child will, but they will always be nearby and ready to pitch in. This is because Earth kids love being around their tribe. Whether it’s their family, classmates, teammates, or friends, they thrive in environments where they’re part of a group. Earth children are amazing people to have on your team: they’re good organizers, hard workers, and are very attuned to the needs of others.
Adults find the Earth children to be dependable, reliable, helpful – the consummate “good kids.” The Earth child is the one who offers to help mom carry in the groceries without being asked, and makes sure that the family’s pets are taken care of. Amongst their peers, they’re the team builders who want everyone to be included, and the peacemakers when there are fallouts between friends. And they’re definitely the one whose class notes you want to copy because they will be impeccably organized.
The most important things to an Earth child are the feelings of belonging and of being included, which give them a sense of safety. To connect with them, they need praise and recognition for their contributions and hard work, and reinforcement that they are an integral part of the team. Unfortunately, people who don’t acknowledge Earth children can make them feel taken for granted or unappreciated, which is detrimental for them.
Metal Child
Unlike the Fire child, who wants to perform and be the center of attention, or the Earth child, who’s bringing people together, the Metal child is the referee who’s trying to make sure everyone’s playing by the rules. Driven by logic and analytical thinking, don’t try to get a Metal child to play make believe; they’ll likely ask you what the guidelines and objectives are. You’re better off pulling out a deck of cards or playing a board game with them.
At school, you’ll find the Metal child gravitates towards subjects with clearly defined guidelines, like algebra or chemistry. They love data and processes and tend to get very good grades because these things are generally not subjective. The Metal child might seem socially withdrawn or shy, but this is most likely because they prefer to sit back and observe a situation so they can make a proper assessment.
Metal children might just be the most malleable element type because they listen to how adults describe them, and then they take on these characteristics as if they were being poured into a mold. Once these characteristics have had time to set, a Metal child develops a very clear self-definition. (Imagine a young child who is told they have a very scientific mind and should become a doctor, then actually follows through and does it!)
The highly structured Metal child wants to know what’s right and wrong and can be a bit dogmatic. Justice and fairness are their primary concerns and they easily suffer in chaotic, conflict-riddled environments. To help this child thrive, you must provide an environment with structure, order, and harmony, where rules are clearly conveyed and followed.
Water Child
Have you ever met a child and thought, this person is an old soul? Chances are you’ve just met a Water child. The Water child is calm, and because they have equanimity on the surface, it’s hard to see how deep their feelings run; they don't let on very much. While the Metal child observes people and situations to see how they work, the Water child observes to understand why things are the way they are; they are big-picture thinkers who see the forest for the trees. The Water child yearns for knowledge and wisdom, diving deep into philosophy and spirituality even at a very young age.
Water children are very cerebral and often lost in their own thoughts, so they can seem detached and disinterested to their peers; they are not easy to befriend. Because they choose solitary activities such as reading, they aren’t natural leaders. This doesn’t mean they care little for other people; on the contrary, they’re extremely interested in the common good and are willing to help people if they feel they can contribute. In fact, the Water child can surprise you with their generosity when it comes to helping with something they feel deeply about.
For a parent, the Water child can present some challenges. Because they are such big picture thinkers, they’re not action-oriented or focused on the short-term tasks that need to be done. They can also be easily overlooked because they are off in their own world. The wonderful thing for a parent is that the Water child loves to listen to family stories and cherishes the traditions that get passed down through the generations.
Connecting with a Water child takes patience and careful listening; don’t expect an open book, it will take some time before they’re willing to disclose things about themselves. Like the proverbial onion, they have layers for the public, their outer circle, then inner circle of friends, and their most private side. While they have great endurance for going through tough times, it’s extremely hard for them to watch suffering in the world; expect them to turn to the wisdom of their elders and those who have come before them to look for solutions.
Wood Child
The Wood child is an absolute force of nature who will not be overlooked! Wood children are brave and daring risk-takers, adventurous, spontaneous, and love surprises. Because they are so rambunctious and constantly on the move, they tend to be injury-prone — not that they care, they’re too busy running around to notice they’re bleeding from the leg! (They’re also too thick-skinned for any verbal attacks to do much damage.)
Amongst friends, the Wood child is likely to be the ring-leader who ropes all the other kids into whatever scheme he’s cooked up. They never shy away from a challenge and will confidently make grand plans for the team — with them as their leader, of course. The Wood child is a good friend to have in your corner, as they’re fiercely loyal and will always fight for you.
Wood children are extremely competitive and are just as likely to be the captain of the soccer team as they are the captain of the debate team. In either case, as long as they’re balanced, they’ll be good losers and gracious winners. Interestingly, the best way to connect with a Wood child is to stand up to or challenge them; otherwise, you’re unlikely to be of interest to them at all.
Parents have a special challenge when raising a Wood child: they seem to disregard risks entirely and often get in trouble for constantly testing the limits. But if the Wood child’s parents can manage to direct the kid’s energy in a positive direction, the sky’s the limit. Just make sure to let them know you are properly impressed by everything they’ve accomplished.
Conclusion
As much as parents think they can control what type of person their kid becomes, kids are not a tabula rasa. As my preschooler said to me once upon a time, “You get what you get and you don’t get upset.” Hopefully an understanding of how the Five Elements can present in children will help you determine what kind of kid you’ve got, then we can start our discussions on how to tailor our approach to parenting based on what our wildly unique, one-of-a-kind child needs.
