“Suck It Up, Buttercup”
In our series called “Popped Psychology” we questions the common wisdom of armchair psychology.
Ouch! Has anyone ever been told to “suck it up, buttercup,” and felt better?? Of course not. While the origins of this saying are unclear, the phrase is generally understood as telling someone to endure some difficulty, hardship, or stress without complaining. Despite Google telling us that the phrase “has enough sweet in it to combat the sourness,” (no, it doesn’t), this expression clearly insinuates three things:
First, the person being addressed is tiny and delicate, like the namesake flower. Buttercups are associated with childhood, joy, happiness, and purity. Buttercups are also easily flattened, do not withstand any tough treatment, and hold little value. A modern equivalent might be to call someone a snowflake who melts with exposure to the least bit of heat.
Second, the person who uses this phrase immediately assumes a position of superiority in two ways: first, as someone who gets to set the standard for the right and appropriate behavior; and second, in diminishing the value of their target by using a diminutive term.
Third, “Suck it up!” is an order: don’t complain, don’t express pain, deal with your own problems and get on with it. Further, the message is clear: I’m certainly not going to help you! You will get no compassion from me.
Using this expression is an act of bullying and violence. In the Traditional Chinese Medicine framework, it is shaming, which creates an imbalance in the Fire element. Shaming is a betrayal of love, since such a phrase would only be used by someone close enough that they are being asked for help or guidance or compassion. When used on actual children, this phrase will instantly torch the connection you shared.
I hear parents in the background mumbling, “But you shouldn’t spoil kids. They have to learn to deal with the challenges of the world! Kids need to be able to withstand blows, they must learn to take criticism, they need to be hardened. And calling them ‘Buttercup’ is actually humorous encouragement to engender resilience.”
Please, parents! Read up on the science we have on resilience: resilience is directly relating to the number of functional social connections someone has — and NOT to their strength or talent or intelligence as so many people assume!
If parents think that letting their children be bullied makes them resilient, they are sorely mistaken. This just teaches children that society is a brutal place, and the children need to hide and pretend. That does not facilitate building connections, and if you cannot form social connections, you cannot develop resilience.
That includes the connections to their parents! By being heartless and brutal, parents let their children down, too. Children will not ask for their parents’ help when in trouble, because they do not want to be humiliated and shamed.
A normal society is not judgmental and shaming, a normal society is full of Care Cycles that are executed with compassion and interest in other people’s needs. If parents declare society at large to be a dark and dangerous place, and don’t act themselves as safe harbors, then they rob their children of being able to develop resilience.
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