Naming Your Negative Emotions

FIVE ELEMENTS
Written By Christine Chen

“I have two ways to describe how I feel: good and bad. Four if you count ‘very good’ and ‘very bad.’” Someone close to me literally texted me this exact line!

“Oh, I have so many more words for you!...” I replied with glee.

So often we feel uneasy or upset — in short, “bad” — but we can’t really label our feelings with any precision. We might be able to convey magnitude, but for some people like my friend, that’s where their insights stop.

Part of our limitations might be because we were never given an emotional vocabulary; unlike the vocabulary words we got in school and diligently memorized using flash cards, there was never going to be a quiz asking us if we knew the difference between feeling flummoxed and feeling perplexed. (Thank goodness there are now books like this one that teach kids how to recognize and name their emotions from a very young age.)

Even when we have the vocabulary, sometimes we can’t label how we feel because we haven’t stopped to examine our emotions more closely. Yikes, having to think precisely about how we feel is a horrifying prospect for a lot of people, especially when we force ourselves to examine why we feel “bad” — it’s hard enough feeling bad, and now we have to delve into why?? Yes, because correctly labeling your bad feeling is going to put you on the fast track to feeling better, and who doesn’t want that?

Let’s start with the basic understanding that feeling bad is not healthy, and we certainly shouldn’t accept it as a steady state. In fact, feeling bad is an alarm that lets you know that something in your life is out of balance and ought to be fixed — that’s why we call these feelings Alarm Emotions.

According to Traditional Chinese Medicine, there are five basic categories of Alarm Emotions, one corresponding to each Element. The Alarm Emotions we experience are a clue to what areas of our lives need rebalancing, so it’s critical to identify and label our feelings correctly. Finding the right words to describe how we feel can not only help us gain awareness and insight — to the source of our upset, to the effect that it’s having on us — it also gives us a starting point for figuring out how to fix it and regain balance.

For example, Worry and Fear are often confused for each other, but they are not the same. Both of them make you feel like some catastrophe is about to happen, but their causes are different. Worrying is the result of a lot of little things causing us agitation; we frantically dart about trying to get things done without any discernible method to the madness (if you’ve ever watched a Roomba clean a floor, it’s like that). Fear, on the other hand, is about life and death and can dramatically paralyze us. For example, even though we know that failing this med school exam won’t kill us, the body feels exactly as if there is no life after failure. How we go about resolving Worry and Fear are inherently different.

Sadness and frustration can also feel quite similar: as if you can’t go on. Frustration, being a form of Anger, arises when you repeatedly run into obstacles on your way towards your goal and you’re simply not strong enough to overcome them. Sadness, on the other hand, is the Alarm Emotion that signals loss, and feels like something being ripped away from you; your energy just oozes out of the hole that’s been left behind, leaving you feeling like you don’t have what it takes to keep going. Moving forward from a place of Sadness versus Anger requires a different approach.

The negative emotion you experience has a specific remedy for bringing you back to balance — there is no single approach that fixes everything.

The more accurately you can describe why you’re feeling how you’re feeling, the better shot you’ll have at creating an effective plan to regain elemental balance.

The process of understanding your feelings and finding their root cause is specifically designed to engage your Sage Brain in problem solving and to keep your Snake Brain from going off half-cocked. The Snake Brain wants to react to an Alarm Emotion with a swift single action, but what it comes up with is rarely a solid long-term solution that effectively addresses the problem. For that, you need your Sage Brain to consider the situational context of your Alarm Emotion.

To help you with this process, we’ve created this cheat sheet. Here each section is headed with an Alarm Emotion. In italics we describe the general sentiments you might be feeling, then we list the specific emotions associated with those sentiments below.

You can start by naming your feeling and see if the sentiment matches, or you can check which sentiment resonates with you and see if any of the emotions listed below are a good fit. Either way, this process will grease the wheels and get you to start thinking through what might have happened to trigger your Alarm Emotion.

Once you identify which type of Alarm Emotion is blaring, then you can begin to formulate a plan for how to fix the problem, which we will definitely discuss in future posts! For now, though, here is a list of various “bad” feelings and which Alarm Emotion we think they fall under:

Worry (Earth)

“This is too much! I have been trying so hard and I can’t handle it all.”

  • Burned out

  • Depleted

  • Exhausted

  • Helpless

  • Hopeless

  • Lazy

  • Overwhelmed

  • Tired

  • Weary

  • Worn out

“I don’t know how to take care of this.”

  • Anxious

  • Disturbed

  • Jittery

  • Nervous

  • Rattled

  • Restless

  • Shaky

“I don’t know if what I did is going to work.”

  • Doubtful

  • Impatient

  • Insecure

  • On edge

  • Pessimistic

  • Tense

  • Uncertain

  • Unsure

“I tried to take care of the thing and it didn’t work.”

  • Agitated

  • Dismayed

  • Powerless

  • Rattled

  • Uncomfortable

  • Uneasy

  • Unsettled

  • Troubled

“Nobody is caring for me; nobody wants to care for me.”

  • Brooding

  • Envious

  • Greedy

  • Guilt-trippy

  • Isolated

  • Jealous

  • Longing

  • Neglected

  • Pitiable

  • Vulnerable

“I am forced to take care of somebody” OR “I am not able to care for somebody.”

  • Guilty

  • Miserly

  • Reluctant

  • Reserved

“The person I care for will not receive the care I want them to have.”

  • Possessive

Sadness (Metal)

”I have lost someone that was a meaningful part of my life.”

  • Grief-stricken

  • Homesick

  • Loss

  • Sorrowful

“Something enormous has been ripped away from my life and I don’t know how to fix it.”

  • Broken

  • Despair

  • Numb

“I can’t find common ground or harmony with the people around me, they live according to different rules.”

  • Alienated

  • Ennui

  • Dejected

  • Dispirited

  • Hyper-sensitive

  • Indignant

  • Removed

  • Self-conscious

  • Sullen

“I did something wrong and I know it.”

  • Ashamed

  • Embarrassed

“This whole world doesn't make sense and I don’t know how to be a productive part of it.” (This is where Metal and Water intersect.)

  • Dazed

  • Disheartened

  • Gloomy

  • Glum

  • Melancholy

  • Woeful

Fear (Water)

”I’m afraid something bad is going to happen.”

  • Apprehensive

  • Concerned

  • Dread

  • Foreboding

  • Hyper-vigilant

  • Mistrustful

  • Paranoid

  • Suspicious

  • Wary

“This seemingly life-threatening thing is happening to me.”

  • Despondent

  • Dismayed

  • Frightened

  • Horrified

  • Panicked

  • Scared

  • Shocked

  • Terrified

“When I am afraid, these are some possible ways other people might perceive me.”

  • Cold

  • Detached

  • Disoriented

  • Distant

  • Distracted

  • Disturbed

  • Dumbstruck

  • Guarded

  • Indifferent

  • Lost

  • Obstinate

  • Perplexed

  • Unnerved

  • Unsettled

Anger (Wood)

I don’t know how to move forward.”

  • Demoralized

  • Disappointed

  • Discouraged

  • Flustered

  • Stuck

  • Tired

”Someone is stronger than me and I don’t like it.”

  • Contemptuous

  • Cowardly

  • Hopeless

  • Submissive

”Someone or something is in my way.”

  • Annoyed

  • Displeased

  • Frustrated

  • Furious

  • Impatient

  • Irritated

  • Outraged

”Someone’s not giving me what I want.”

  • Critical

  • Disgruntled

  • Exasperated

  • Hateful

  • Hostile

  • Loathing

  • Rage

  • Undermined

  • Vengeful

  • Wrathful

“Someone wants me to do something I don’t want to do.”

  • Offended

  • Scornful

”I’m gonna get what I want no matter what.”

  • Aggressive

  • Cruel

  • Nasty

  • Obstinate

  • Ruthless

  • Self-pity

  • Smug

  • Standoffish

  • Stubborn

  • Vicious

“When I am angry, these are some possible ways other people might perceive me.”

  • Grouchy

  • Grumpy

Pain (Fire)

I have nothing to live for.”

  • Apathetic

  • Bored

  • Nihilistic

  • Uninterested

“I did something bad to someone I love and I know it.”

  • Mortified

  • Regretful

  • Remorseful

“Someone I love hurt me.”

  • Agony

  • Anguish

  • Devastated

  • Fragile

  • Heartbroken

  • Hurt

  • Insulted

  • Miserable

  • Pining

  • Rejected

  • Resentful

  • Sore

“I used to love someone and now I don’t.”

  • Animosity

  • Aversion

  • Bitter

  • Contempt

  • Disgusted

  • Dislike

  • Hateful

  • Revulsion

  • Spiteful

  • Torn

”I don’t love myself.”

  • Self-loathing

Generalized Alarm Emotions

Certain emotions cover a lot of ground and require us to examine their elemental context to see which Elements are actually out of balance. For example, being miserable can apply to any of the Alarm Emotions and is an expression of magnitude of bad feeling rather than corresponding to a specific element.

Identifying the elements that are out of balance helps to find appropriate solutions to bring them back into balance. To contextualize these feelings, it helps to remember what balanced emotions correlate to each Element, and that Alarm Emotions are triggered because of elemental imbalances.

For example, if you feel lonely (“I don’t have anyone”), it’s possible you feel like no one cares about you (Earth/Care), you are struggling to get along with the people around you (Metal/Harmony), you’re misunderstood (Water/Purpose), no one will work with you (Wood/Power), or no one loves you (Fire/Love). Any of these situations can lead you to feeling lonely, but most likely your feelings are the result of the imbalance of a particular element.

Here is a list of other emotions that can apply in the context of any of the elements.

  • Apprehensive: “I’m not sure that I’m making the right decision.”

  • Confused: “Why did that not turn out the way I expected?”

  • Depressed, Disappointed: “That did not turn out the way I expected.”

  • Distressed: “Oh no! It’s not turning out as expected!”

  • Helpless: “I can’t do anything about it.”

  • Lonely: “I don’t have anyone.”

  • Pessimistic: “This isn’t going to turn out the way I want.”

  • Regretful, Remorseful: “I wish I hadn’t done that.”

  • Resigned: “I guess I’ll have to live with it.”

  • Shame, Humiliated: “Society despises me and wants to expose what they think are my shortcomings.”

  • Stressed: “There’s too much going on to handle.”

  • Suffering: “Enduring this feels awful.”

  • Weak: “I can’t do this.”

Conclusion

Examining and labeling how we feel allows us to put our emotions into context; in the TCM framework, knowing which Alarm Emotion is blaring tips us off to what we need to do to shut off that alarm. From this starting point, we can adapt our reactions to the situation that has thrown us out of balance so that we can get back on the path to happiness.

Christine Chen
Next

Naming Your Positive Emotions