Fretting about Going Back to School

Ahhhhhh… the sweet smell of crisp autumn air and brand new school supplies means it’s time for the kids to go back to school! While parents everywhere breathe a sigh of relief and look back fondly at another summer gone by, some of our kids are a little less excited by the prospects of a new school year. In order to help them make a smooth transition back into the swing of things, we want to share some insights into students’ common concerns.

“I don’t get to do what I want at school”

Summer is often a time when kids have a lot less structure in their lives. Although the years when kids got to stay home and watch “The Price is Right” everyday at 10am are long gone, even camps and summer programs afford kids much more freedom and flexibility to do what they choose than the more structured world of formal education.

Looking at this through the lens of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM), this is a sign of an impending Wood imbalance: kids are not allowed to exercise their power by choosing their own activities and goals. The best thing to do to keep your child in their power is to allow them to select their pursuits, whether that’s within the school environment or through extracurricular activities. Daughter wants to sign up for Sculpture instead of Spanish as an elective? Sure. Son wants to keep fencing because he fell in love with it over the summer, but his school doesn’t have a team? Okay, time to look into club sports or classes at the rec center.

Yes, you have your opinions about academic electives and how your student should spend their time, but try to offer them as much support as possible as they pursue their goals, and have compassion for how hard kids are driven these days. Schools have a highly proscribed curriculum, they will get a solid dose of their academic fruits and vegetables there. If you want to give them the opportunity to learn how to be in their power, give them the freedom to choose how they spend at least some of their time.

“I feel overwhelmed, so many things are new”

Every school year brings a new rhythm and routine for kids: new teachers, new classrooms, new schedule, new friends. And if your student is starting at a new school, these worries increase exponentially. You might notice your kid struggling with making decisions or unable to get themselves organized; they might seem tired, unmotivated, or stuck ruminating. These are the telltale signs of an Earth imbalance.

Earth imbalances come down to someone feeling like their needs will not be met. In elementary school, it might be, “What if I get hungry or I need to use the bathroom? What do I do???” In middle school, “What if it takes me too long to change classrooms during passing period? Do I really have to get dressed in front of other people in PE?” In high school, “How am I going to meet all of the requirements to graduate and get into the college I want?”

The great thing is, parents are particularly well-positioned to help our kids with Earth imbalances because rebalancing Earth has everything to do with making our children feel cared for. This starts with listening to what each kid’s particular concerns are: are they concerned about the day’s logistics? Their personal, physical care? Fitting in with friends (yes, this is an Earth element thing!)? We have to figure out exactly what our kids need since the first rule of the Care Cycle is to provide the recipient with the right type of care. Then we can assuage our students’ worries by working out a plan together to address each of their concerns.

“I just want things to stay the way they are”

Some kids have difficulty with the transition back to school itself. These are the creatures of habit, the ones who don’t like changing their routine because what’s familiar is comfortable. Sometimes it’s helpful to kids like this to commemorate this shift in the year with a small ceremony, whether that’s having a special back-to-school cupcake or a goofy photo on the first day of every school year. Over time, these small rituals become traditions and our kids start to feel like going back to school is just a part of the greater routine of life.

“What if the other kids are mean to me?”

Bullying can be a real threat posed by going back to school. It’s essential that parents are attuned to whether their student is afraid of being bullied. Fear can be hard to observe because so many people go into freeze mode when they are afraid, and you don’t notice much from the outside; this would be much easier if there was a big, dramatic indicator that something is the matter, but more often than not, kids who are bullied actively try to fly under the radar.

One sign of potential bullying is if you see your kid hanging out with a group of mean kids, but on the periphery of the crowd. Kids who are bullied will sometimes trail their abuser, staying close but not too close in an effort to hide in plain sight. They may pretend to be one of the crew, but they’re really just hanging on in an effort not to be targeted.

If you suspect that your child is being bullied, get them into therapy right away! They will benefit from having someone knowledgeable to talk to about how to handle the situation — someone who’s not going to go full-on Mama Bear on the other kid!

Speaking of Mama Bears, kids whose parents are always around tend not to be bullied because bullies tend to target kids without protection. Be present! Parental presence is often enough to deter bullies from targeting a child. It’s also helpful to be an involved member of the community so that other adults have a protective eye on your kid, too.

“I don’t like academics”

It’s hard to explain to students why it’s important for them to learn the things we teach them in the classroom. Good luck explaining to a kid why they have to learn arithmetic when they all have calculators on their smartphones, nevermind what the point is of learning multivariable calculus.

Some kids love classroom learning for the sake of knowledge (like your Water kids and sometimes the Metal ones, too), while other kids don’t see the purpose of what’s taught in class (often your Wood kids will question this the most loudly, unless they can see how it directly applies to achieving their goals). But in general, it’s a lot to ask a kid to focus on a subject that seems to have little to do with their day-to-day lives, especially if you don’t make it fun and engaging.

Yet there is this cloud of pressure that hovers over them of having to succeed in school so that they can go to a top college, get a professional job, and launch a high-powered career in order to feel the least bit secure in their life as an adult. When you combine having to learn abstract concepts with the belief that you can only have a good life if you do really well in school, this can take all of the joy out of learning.

One thing parents can do is to present the various subjects as opportunities to try things out and see what’s interesting to them. For the Fire kid, it might be performing Shakespeare; for Earth, maybe a course on Social Justice; Metal kids usually love the order and structure of mathematics and chemistry; while the Water kids revel in Religion and Philosophy; as for your Wood kids, they love learning the history of the world’s greatest leaders.

Give kids the opportunity to explore what subjects excite them and encourage them to dive deep into the rabbit holes of their choosing. Otherwise, they’re gonna be left wondering, “What’s the point of being here?”

“I don’t have any real friends”

Friendships in school can be complicated. With so many peers sharing the same space and circumstances, it’s hard to imagine not finding someone to befriend. But playing together in the schoolyard, hanging out in class, or sitting at the same table during lunch does not make someone a real friend.

When kids talk about having a real friend, they mean someone who understands them, someone they can tell their most intimate secrets to, and who will love and accept them just as they are. Sometimes you’ll see a kid surrounded by a big group, and yet they’ll tell you they feel alone, like no one knows the real them. Other times, they may share intimate secrets about themselves to someone they thought was a real friend, and that person betrays their confidence. Managing friendships at this age can be tricky!

Part of growing up during these school years is learning how to balance your Fire element, how to modulate how much of yourself to share and with whom. Sometimes that’s a peer, other times it could be a teacher, staff member, or even family. Regardless of who the connection is with, it’s important to know how to establish and grow that connection; the value of such a heart-connection and intimacy should not be overlooked.

As parents, we can support our students’ Fire element by being around them, spending time with them, and giving them a lot of attention. We need to notice how our kids choose to express themselves, whether through performance, art, or other forms of self-expression; pick up on these signs and let them know that you see them, because to see them is to love them.