Care Cycle 103: Building a Care Network

A friend recently sent me an article called, “The Vexing Problem of the ‘Medium Friend’” that left her feeling uneasy. “I don’t know why, but it’s not sitting right with me,” she said.

The article talks about R, a friend of the author who didn’t want to be named because he knew people would not look kindly on the way he thinks about friends: he ranks them from close friends to acquaintances, his level of commitment to people decreasing as they move down the list.

In his hierarchy, R has “medium friends” who he may have once been close with, but with whom he’d grown apart. Now he doesn’t know what his obligation is to them when they ask for help. “When R’s friend recently reached out to ask for his support during her addiction recovery, his first impulse was to feel taxed — then vexed at his own irritation.” R. felt that she was leaning on him “in a way that felt too heavy.”

My knee-jerk reaction was emotional and judgmental: She’s not even asking for a favor, she’s just asking for compassion! If he doesn’t want to give her that, then are they even really friends??

Then I slowed down and thought about our Care Cycle framework, particularly the overarching rule that participation in any Care Cycle must be voluntary. Well, since participation has to be completely voluntary for the Care Cycle to work, he doesn’t have to do anything if he doesn’t want to… in fact, he probably shouldn’t if he still wants to feel good about the friendship.

I set aside my judgment and thought about why R might be having these feelings. What is the difference between close friends who you would drop everything for, acquaintances who you stick to pleasantries with at parties, and the spectrum of “medium friends” in the middle?

Creating Connections

Imagine a thread being connected between you and a friend for each hour you spend together. These threads are created by sharing anything that is meaningful to the both of you. For example, Erna loves to sail, and each time she’s on the water with her daughter, another thread connecting them is created.

The quality of the time you spend together is captured in the quality of the thread you create. If you’re connecting in a light and insubstantial way, maybe that thread is made of sugary candy floss (cotton candy); if you’re connecting in a deep and meaningful way, maybe that thread is made of kevlar. Insubstantial threads may deteriorate over time, while sturdy threads can never be broken (think coworkers from a summer job, versus soldiers who have been in the literal trenches together).

The more time you share with each other, the more threads you share; the more threads you share, the sturdier rope you can build between you two. These ropes then act as a conduit when one of you needs something from the other; the sturdier the rope, the more weight it can support. As your friendship builds, the more you can rely on each other for “heavier” asks.

Fortifying Connections

A collection of threads doesn’t turn into a rope spontaneously! So here’s the magic of helping or receiving help from the people you share these threads of friendship with: it turns threads into rope. Participating in a Care Cycle twists together the threads of friendship that bind you, making the connection stronger and drawing you closer together.

Now that’s a strong connection!

This might seem counter-intuitive, since helping someone takes time and effort, but when you voluntarily provide someone with what they need, and they repay you in gratitude, the connection between you two becomes stronger. This phenomenon is sometimes referred to as the Ben Franklin Effect.

Building a Network

We all share a rope with each friend in our lives. Some people are satisfied to have a few very sturdy ropes, while others — like R — have ropes in an assortment of varying weights and qualities. In the case of his friend in recovery, while the rope they shared may have been more substantial at some point, for R, time had deteriorated that connection. This is why he felt her ask was “too heavy.”

It’s also possible that R was just not the right person to make that particular request of. Everyone knows that you don’t shop for milk at the hardware store. This means, even if you have a very strong connection with someone, it doesn’t mean they’re equipped to provide you with everything you need. For example, I may be willing to nurse my best friend back to health after surgery, but I’m just not the right person to give her ideas on how to minimize her tax liability, no matter how strong the connection is between us. This is why it’s important to have many relationships in our lives.

These ropes of friendship are what hold society together. They’re a network of shared experiences and time spent in the pleasure of each other’s company, enjoying each other during the good times so that we have the relationship strength to support each other during the bad. The Care Cycle isn’t about tit-for-tat transactions, it’s about forming and being a part of a cohesive society.