“It Takes Two to Tango”
Couples in therapy are often confronted with the saying, “It takes two to tango.” Usually this line is delivered as a defense by the person being accused of a misdeed, the implication being that when something goes wrong in a relationship, both parties are responsible for contributing to the situation they’re in. (If you’re being ungenerous, you might say it’s the adult version of, “You made me do it,” or, “You started it!” — two startlingly childish sentiments at heart.)
One reason couples end up at an appointment with their therapist is because they’re asking for a professional judgment: Who is to blame here?
When a couple falters, is it necessarily the fault of both parties? After all, while it does take two people to tango successfully, it only really takes one person to make a mistake that causes both of them to stumble.
The idea that problems in a relationship are caused by the actions of both people is a particularly difficult sentiment to swallow in the face of partner abuse: should a victim accept any of the blame for the abusive situation they find themself in? Absolutely not, for reasons that should be obvious, but that can be summed up by the fundamental truth that no one deserves to be abused.
But when two (non-abusive) people are interested in mending a relationship — whether romantic, familial, professional, or otherwise — it also doesn’t help to point accusatory fingers if they want to move forward together. Both parties don’t always have a hand in the wrongdoing, but if it means they can move on in the relationship, some partners are willing to extend the grace of forgiveness.
When it comes to resolving disharmony in a relationship, it doesn’t help to judge whose fault it is that things broke down (something smart couples’ therapists know!). When we seek judgment, what we’re looking for is punishment for the wrongdoer and restitution for the injured party. However, to make a relationship right again, what we actually need is an understanding of what gears need to be realigned so things run smoothly. Forgiveness is inherently nonjudgmental and forward-looking, which makes it very effective for paving a path forward in a system where two people want to maintain a relationship.
When you share any kind of functional connection with another person, one person is bound to step on the other’s toes at some point because nobody is perfect. But when we say, I’m sorry, it circumvents the entire process of judgment. “Mea culpa, that was my fault, I apologize, excuse me….” There are so many ways to express remorse for one’s actions so that external judgment isn’t necessary.
In this way, forgiveness is a healthy way to re-establish harmony without having to go to a judge or jury (or couple’s counselor). That means no one has to establish how severe the infraction was, and there is no sentencing or punishment involved. But when one person infringes on another, it is necessary to evaluate whether this was an inadvertent misstep or a sign of bigger misalignments. If a couple works together to understand where the gears are grinding, and is committed to fixing the problem together, then forgiveness is the natural result.
There’s a positive spin (pun intended) to saying “it takes two to tango”: for a tango to look powerful, graceful and elegant, it takes two people to make the right moves. And if you want to continue dancing with your otherwise lovely partner, you would do well to forgive them if they sometimes accidentally step on your toes.
