Narcissism and Abuse
New podcasts and social media posts on narcissism come out every minute of every hour of every day. Narcissists seem to be the bane of everyone’s existence, and understandably: they lack empathy, act selfishly, anger quickly, and take advantage of others — and that’s just a short list of their maladaptive traits! No wonder we’re all hungry for knowledge on how to deal with them.
Western disciplines such as psychology and psychiatry fall short in creating an effective treatment plan for narcissism. The official term in the DSM-5 (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition) is Narcissistic Personality Disorder, but how are we supposed to treat someone’s personality? Some practitioners recommend healing through talk therapy, while others say narcissists can’t be changed, so even experts’ opinions on how to cure the scourge of narcissism vary widely.
After living in close contact with a narcissist — and having that relationship fail miserably — I still haven’t concluded my post mortem: is there anything that could have been done so that things might have played out differently?
I was listening to a podcast featuring Dr. Ramani Durvasula in search of more puzzle pieces. Dr. Ramani is a clinical psychologist, retired professor of psychology, author, and one of the most recognized narcissism experts on social media. In this podcast she described six different types of narcissism: grandiose, communal, self-righteous, neglectful, and benign. (If you caught that I only listed five when she said there were six… you’re right. The last one she listed was malignant narcissism, which wasn’t so much a type on its own as it was an amplifier of the bad behaviors listed in the other categories.)
As she talked about the particular characteristics of each type of narcissism, I thought, “A-ha! This sounds an awful lot like each of the Five Elements might have its own flavor of narcissism!” So I sliced, diced, and categorized all of the behaviors Dr. Ramani described based on the Five Elements, and it’s true: almost everything on her itemized list of bad behaviors looks a lot like a severe elemental imbalance. Eureka! I reached out to Erna with questions immediately:
“Hi, Erna, I was wondering:
Is it appropriate to consider narcissistic traits (western psychology/psychiatry) to be elemental imbalances (TCM philosophy)?
If so, does this give us hope that the “narcissist” is not permanently broken, and that they can be less harmful to others and to themselves?
How can we (as the people who have to interact with narcissists) “cope” or deal with a narcissist’s maladaptive behavior using TCM principles?
Your thoughts?”
The response I got was completely unexpected: “I hate this term narcissism. Narcissism is not a term that is good for anything if it has so many categories, especially if it has a Benign Narcissism category,” she said with exasperation.
“Nowadays you can call everybody a narcissist just out of spite. You are just trying to express that you have not been treated right. When you say that narcissism cannot be treated, then everybody can accuse everybody but nothing can be done. Then we can say goodbye to our society for good.”
Wow. Erna doesn’t usually get this heated!
“Let’s just call narcissistic behavior what it is: abusive behavior. Now we can deal with that.”
From Narcissism to Abuse
Depending on how entrenched you are in all of the current research and discussions on narcissism, it’s either glaringly obvious to you that narcissism is inherently abusive, or you think we’ve made a leap too far. So let us present our case to you:
Narcissists have nine main personality traits, per the DSM-5 (APA 2013; pages 669-672):
Grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievement and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements);
Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love;
Belief in being “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should be associated with, other special or high-status people (or institutions);
Requires excessive admiration;
Sense of entitlement, i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations;
Interpersonally exploitative, i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends;
Lacks empathy; is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others;
Envious of others or believes that others are envious of him/her;
Arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes.
After looking at this list, it seems like a lot of what makes a narcissist a narcissist just goes on in their heads (2, 3, 8) or could be considered harmless (though annoying) by the people around them (1, 4, 9). If something is going on in a narcissist’s head but it doesn’t manifest itself as antisocial behavior, then does it matter? How can this be called abuse if they’re just thoughts in someone’s mind?
The problem is, these thoughts do affect the narcissist’s behavior. Narcissists move in society, they don’t just dream about these things and keep them to themselves. Narcissists demand attention, dictate how people should act towards them, and manipulate others into doing what they want. When they’re boastful, they don’t deserve the attention they attain through deceit; when they’re envious, they become dismissive or disparaging as a way to bring others down. It would be better for everyone if they could keep these internal thoughts from affecting their outward behavior, but they can’t. In fact, not being able to conceal these traits from the people around them is one of the defining characteristics of narcissists.
Narcissistic behaviors are abusive because they take advantage of other people. Instead of maintaining a healthy reciprocal dynamic, narcissists throw the relationship off balance by taking much more than they give without the willing consent of the other person. This is even more obvious when you examine the personality traits with unavoidable external manifestations (5, 6, 7). When narcissists demand special treatment because they insist the rules of society apply to everyone except for the narcissist, or they cannot see how their behavior hurts the people around them, they are engaging in abuse.
We are not suggesting that the terms narcissism and abuse are synonymous. While we believe all narcissistic behaviors are abusive because of their controlling nature, we are not suggesting that all abusers are narcissists. (Since we’re rejecting the term narcissist outright as useless anyway, we’re just going to stop using it.) We are suggesting, though, that the best, most protective response when you are faced with a narcissist is the same as when you are faced with any type of abuse: your immediate action should be to disengage.
Disengaging from an Abuser
Once again, this advice is either glaringly obvious, or you think we’ve jumped the shark (“Just leave at the first sign of trouble? That seems a bit extreme!”). Victims of abuse often go through the futile exercise of first trying to understand why their abuser is harming them, rather than removing themselves to safety. This is like being bitten by a deadly spider and analyzing why the spider bit you before getting help for yourself. If someone hurts you, you need care first, to not be around them. Solving a victim’s problem is a more immediate concern than understanding or trying to “fix” the abuser.
Abusers tend to ensnare victims who have been conditioned to “forgive and forget,” something they may have learned experientially, observationally, or because they’ve been taught explicitly to do this. Abusers are generally indiscriminate when looking for a target, trying their tactics on anyone they come across, but people who haven’t been primed to accept bad behavior quickly leave once they’ve been bitten. It’s the people who try to be understanding and rationalize the abuser’s behavior who get caught in their web.
If someone gets entangled with an abuser and stands by them, they’re trapped. So when someone is subjected to abuse, immediately creating distance is critical so that you don’t get trapped. This distance can be emotional or physical, or both.
Once the victim is safely distanced, then they have the space to examine their injury. This isn’t something they should have to do alone. Having the support of loved ones or professional help will provide the victim with clarity and objectivity around their situation. The goal is to figure out a way for the victim to move forward from the abuse without having to be subjected to it ever again.
When the victim is back on firm footing — with the conviction that they should not tolerate any further abuse, and a plan for a healthy and viable way to move forward — only then should they consider re-engaging with the abuser. Even then, they should only re-engage if the abuser is willing to get help themselves (more on help for the abuser in future posts); there is no such thing as inoculation.
If the abuser isn’t willing to get help, then follow the immortal words of Weezer and tell them:
If you want to destroy my sweater
Hold this thread as I walk away
A Final Word on Narcissism
Psychologists — both armchair and professional — often comment on the success that narcissistic behavior seems to bring, especially in the professional world. Their outsized sense of self-importance is interpreted as confidence, their willingness to take advantage of other people overlooked because of the positive results they appear to generate.
As long as society worships abusive behaviors as something that is powerful, victims will always have a steep uphill battle.
We need to stop rewarding such behavior as a society. If antisocial behavior is positively reinforced, we will never be rid of this disease. Only when a narcissist’s tactics fail will they be open to approaching others in a more thoughtful way. But as long as we allow their manipulations to work, they will continue to work us.
