Introduction to the Abuser’s Playbook
When I first started talking with Erna, there was a lot of backstory to fill her in on. Over two decades of memories began to resurface, one sordid story after another of being hoodwinked, strong-armed, manipulated, taken advantage of – the whole gamut of abusive behaviors that I somehow had written off as par for being married to a garden-variety chauvinistic jerk. She would usually listen very patiently, when one week, something must’ve gotten into her because she was feeling a little punchy.
Me: “… and when I confronted him about [XYZ], he said…” then Erna interrupted.
Erna: “Do you mind if I guess?”
Me: “Of course not.”
Erna: “He said that it was your fault he behaved that way, and if you’d only done as he told you to do in the first place, you wouldn’t be having this problem?”
Me: “Yes! How did you know???” I was surprised but bemused.
Erna: “Because they’re all the same. All abusers do the same thing.”
Erna could tell me my story before I even got very far! Not the specific details, but the overall arc of the story. Because all abusers are fundamentally the same. Wait, what? I had no idea….
My shock morphed into disgust. How do they all get away with the same bad behavior? I let out a primal scream in my mind. It was infuriating to think that not only had I suffered this pain, humiliation, and abuse, but that so many people had gone through the same thing that someone with Erna’s experience could already tell me how every grotesque scenario would play out. I was beating myself up, livid that I could fall into such an unoriginal trap. My head was ready to explode in anger and indignation.
Then it was as if the dark clouds parted and the sun shone through. Epiphany! If abusers are all the same, and they all have the same schtick, then we can figure out what they’re going to do before they do it. And if we see it as it’s happening – or better yet, if we see it coming – then we can save people! We can teach people what signs to look out for so they can get out of these situations or avoid them altogether!
Eureka! We can teach people the warning signs of abuse. If people see an abusive pattern of behavior, then at least this gives them the advantage of awareness. Unfortunately, just this knowledge isn’t going to stop abuse from happening, because the reasons people stay in abusive situations are varied and complex. But if I learned anything from watching Saturday morning cartoons growing up, it’s that, “Knowing is half the battle.”
While we have a lot to say about abuse and abusers, their patterns are predictable. Our goal one day is to publish “The Abuser’s Playbook” as an actual physical book, but Erna and I both absolutely agree that we want to share this information as soon as possible so that people can start benefiting from it immediately. So expect the links on this page to grow as we create more content for you on an ongoing basis.
For now, here’s a preview of what you can expect:
The Abusers’ mindset
Abusers think they’re so superior. Who made them God and said that they could impose their morals and standards on other people?
What does an Abuser want from you?
The short answer: an abuser wants your attention. And the best way to keep your attention is an unpredictable, intermittent pattern of love bombing and pain infliction. For an abuser, attention is a stand-in for the love that they crave – they just don’t know the difference.
Why Abusers aim to isolate their victims
If a victim is allowed to function in healthy relationships with people, the victim would be repelled by the Abuser and could leave with the full support of their loved ones. Therefore, Abusers have to isolate their victims in order to keep them.
How do Abusers steal your attention?
They demand your care and belittle, berate, and manipulate you until they get it – and out of fear, you don’t dare to look away.
Common misconceptions about Abusers
“Abusers are trying to steal your power for use towards their own goals.” Abusers don’t actually want your power – but they don’t want you to have it, either.
How Abusers rationalize their behavior
Abusers think they’re good people who are just trying to make you a better person, because of course you would be lost without them. Don’t worry, they’ll tell you what your purpose in life is (hint: it has nothing to do with what you actually want).
Victim blaming by society
So much abuse happens in plain sight, and society tolerates it. (Heck, sometimes society even promotes it, reveres it, worships it!) And even when society thinks abuse is bad, there are still a lot of people who feel, “That’s a you problem, handle it yourself. Besides, why did you let it happen to you in the first place?” This is not okay.
Reactions after suffering from Abuse
Going through abuse changes everyone’s brain. Victims usually end up taking one of two paths: either repeat the abuse or head in the absolute opposite direction. The first path obviously leads to disaster, but watch out for the pitfalls going in the opposite direction, too!
Escaping Abuse
Everyone has dreams of standing up to the schoolyard bully, but going up directly against an Abuser has a phenomenally poor success rate. There are ways to go over, under, and around without having to actually go through the Abuser.
