Getting Rid of the Abuser’s Lies
It’s not often that people are freed from an abusive situation without a concerted effort on their part. While it is possible that an abusive parent or partner abandons their victim, or even dies, more often, survivors have to fight to get out of their abusive situation. They’ve endured too much pain to be able to continue with the status quo, so they escape despite not knowing what to expect on the other side.
But just because a survivor of abuse has the will and drive and determination to leave their abusive situation, does not mean they fully recognize how their abuser trapped them using lies. And sadly, these lies can stay with the survivor even after the active abuse is over.
What? I’ve been lied to??
The overarching lie victims are told by their abuser is, “You can’t survive without me.” Abusive parents take the natural dependence of their young children for survival and use it as a tool to handicap them from developing into capable adults. Children are taught to follow their parents’ instructions unquestioningly, believing that their parents are infallible and always know what’s best for them.
Instead of teaching their children how to make good decisions and helping them back up when they fall, abusive, controlling parents say, “See? You mess everything up when you do it your way. You can’t do anything right unless I tell you how to do it.” When their child navigates a situation successfully, they say, “That wasn’t good enough. Things would have turned out even better for you if you’d done it the way I told you to.”
Abusive parents may disingenuously disguise such words as encouragement, an exhortation that “you can always do better.” But when children are always pushed to do more, the implication is that they will never be enough. Abusive parents belittle the abilities and downplay the successes of their children in an effort to maintain control and dominance over them. Sadly, even if children sense that their parents are wrongheaded and dangerous, they are (generally) stuck living under this regime until they can be independent.
Girls in particular are often conditioned to go from their parents’ house to then seek a mate who will “provide and protect” – a sentiment easily warped by future abusive partners to make them afraid and keep them submissive: “If I don’t provide for you, you will not have the means to live. If I don’t protect you, you will fall victim to people trying to take advantage of you.” Abusers portray the world as a lonely, hostile place that their victims cannot survive in without them.
While these lies may seem obviously false, let’s look at some of the twists abusers put on them to undermine their victims’ confidence:
Self-sufficiency:
You wouldn’t know how to manage your life without my help. You don’t know how to do anything for yourself. You’re completely helpless without me.
You don’t have good judgment. You need me to tell you what to do to keep you from screwing everything up.
You don’t know how to maintain the house or your car. If I didn’t do these things for you, you’d be so screwed. Or you’d have to overpay someone else to do it for you.
You’re too trusting and totally gullible. It would be so easy to take advantage of you, you’re like prey to the outside world.
Financial security:
How are you going to be able to afford to live? You can’t support yourself and you’ve never been a good earner. You’ll probably end up losing your job and never be able to find another good one.
You’re terrible with money, you don’t even know what bills I pay for us. You’d go broke and completely screw up your credit score if it wasn’t for me.
You’re not smart enough to manage your own finances. You don’t know anything about managing investments and you’re going to run out of money quickly.
Your time is over, you can’t learn something new or make a change in your career. It’s too late for you.
Social standing:
You’re no one without me. The only reason anyone pays any attention to you is because you’re with me. You’re not an impressive person, people don’t notice you.
No one is going to help you. Why should anyone help you if you haven’t learned how to do things for yourself as an adult?
Without me, you’d have to live in a shit hole. Look what a step down that would be. You would humiliate yourself.
No one else is ever going to love you – why would they?
Familial and partner relationships are not the only circumstances when abusers lie to their victims. Even abusive schools and employers can convey, “You can’t survive without me,” or, “You need my permission to live the life you want.”
School:
If you don’t get into a top school, your future will be ruined. No one will think you’re smart or ever take you seriously.
You’ll definitely never have access to the top echelons of society without the proper pedigree that only our school can confer.
You’ll never get a proper internship or job unless you have the recommendations of your well-connected professors or alumni network.
You will never amount to anything and be doomed to live a life of mediocrity if you don’t meet our standards.
Pay our exorbitant tuition and you get entrance to our exclusive club; if you don’t pay for membership, you are nothing.
Work:
If you don’t do as you’re told, you will lose your job and your livelihood.
People would kill for the job you have; we could replace you tomorrow if you want to complain about how you’re treated.
You’re never going to have a better opportunity than this one.
Your peers do this better than you, and you’re the only one who can’t handle it. If you are already exhausted at this level, how will you ever succeed?
If you want to be considered for a job promotion, you have to have already performed at that level for a year to prove that you’re up to the task. Then maybe we’ll think about promoting you.
We’re not going to give you a good job reference when you leave unless you [fill in the blank]. Everyone is connected and we can have you blackballed. You’ll be unhireable.
Despite the obvious strength it takes to leave an abusive relationship, these lies sow the seeds of fear and doubt that grow like weeds in the minds of survivors of abuse. We call this destructive voice in your head the internalized abuser. The actual, real-life abuser doesn’t even have to actively be in your life anymore, they live rent-free in your mind.
The Internalized Abuser
To differentiate between your own inner voice and the voice of your internalized abuser, you simply have to notice if you’re hurt by what the voice tells you. Do you hear a criticism or a critique? Is this voice tearing you down (“You’re so stupid, how could you have made such a basic mistake!”) or helping you find a solution to the problem (“Next time, do things differently; maybe try this….”)?
The self will never hurt you. Nature has wired us for survival, and there is no survival benefit to self-flagellation; stinging criticism does nothing but injure and incapacitate you. Abusers, however, will put you down to keep you under their control, so what they say always causes pain or raises other Alarm Emotions. So when your internal monologue makes you flinch or ache with pain, you know this is the voice of the internalized abuser.
Another sign of the internalized abuser is its use of the words “always” and “never.” The internalized abuser is good at triggering your Snake Brain, which has absolutely no concept of a timeline. Abusers take situational mistakes that can be rectified with time and some planning and turn them into permanent character flaws, so you’re “always so awkward around people,” and “never make the right decisions.” Your true self knows that it takes time to establish a rapport with people, and good decisions are made after careful consideration.
Many survivors of abuse try to prove their worth to their abusers thinking that it will improve their self esteem. “I’ll show them how wrong they were about me!” This is a trap: an abuser will never accept evidence disproving their stance because their “judgment” is just a tool to manipulate their victim. Victims cannot stop the abuse by proving to the abuser that they were “wrong” about them; the abuser will only ask for more. If you try to prove something to the abuser, know that they will simply move the goalposts or dangle the carrot a little higher; they’re not interested in seeing you succeed.
Survivors of abuse fall into the same trap even with their internalized abuser. Why else do some people still try to prove something to their parents, even after their parents have died?
If you ever get that queasy, sickening feeling in your stomach that you can’t survive because you aren’t good enough, listen for the lie. You’ll find it’s the voice of the internalized abuser in your mind.
