Being Dependable vs. Being Independent

Dependable. The Latin root words mean you can “hang from it,” like a rock climber’s carabiner that will securely hold whatever you attach to it. The connection will not fail; you will not drop and fall to your painful demise. The dependable person, symbolized by the carabiner, will keep you from falling by reliably and foreseeably fulfilling your needs. (As an aside, this is a very good image for the psychological diagnosis of “securely attached” – and conversely for “attachment problems” in kids who were severely let down in their life.)

Independent has the same etymological roots, just with a reverse meaning: instead of something you can hang from, it means something (or someone) who does not need to hang on to anything. While not being dependable is looked upon with scorn, being independent is elevated to a high virtue, especially in child rearing. The message is clear: raise a child who does not need a hook to hold onto, raise one who can stand on their own.

Independence and the Risk of Isolation

In the context of abuse, independence, or the ability to fulfill your own needs, can be a lifesaving strategy. If a child lives in an exploitative or neglectful environment, it is useless at best – and dangerous at worst – for the child to ask the abuser to fulfill their needs. For example, it’s safer for a kid to pour themselves a bowl of cold cereal for dinner than to ask a volatile parent for a proper meal. Being independent helps children to survive abuse, but it is in no way helpful in removing the child from their abusive situation.

While independence has advantages in certain situations, prolonged and consistent independence can cause a person to become isolated because they are not connected with other people. In a normal, balanced society, Care Cycles connect the members and create a network of people who are willing and able to fulfill each other’s needs. We call this a system of interdependence, where community members are able to rely on each other as needed. 

When a child is raised to do everything for themselves, two things happen: first, they miss out on the benefits of community and support during their childhood; second, because they’ve been isolated during that time, they don’t internalize that interdependence is a positive thing that comes with many benefits. In their experience, having to rely on someone is a liability. This makes them less likely to integrate themselves into a community even when they have the opportunity to do so. Isolation deprives them of being fruitfully and securely connected to the other members of their community.

In an abuse dynamic abusers threaten to withhold care that they are able to provide if the person who needs help does not comply with their requirements. Therefore, isolation arising from extreme independence is useful in an abusive system, but only then. In a healthy society, because the Care Cycle requires cooperative and willing participation, dependency is not exploited and members of the community receive help when they need it. This is the safety that interdependence provides. 

Raising Independent Children

Then why do parents push their children to be independent? One reason is because people confuse independence, which is to fulfill all of your needs for yourself, with competence, or having the skills and abilities to fulfill your own needs. Of course we want our children to gain competence – especially in life skills – but we do this as part of their development into a whole person, not because we don’t want to have to do things for them. As parents, we must provide children with the support they need during the learning process.

It’s like a budding gymnast who is learning how to do a back handspring: parents don’t leave the kid on their own to figure it out. A coach is on hand every step of the way to give them instruction, provide tools and safety equipment like foam bolsters and mats, and be on hand to spot them until they master the skill. This is how life works: parents provide their children with support until they can perform dependably, and they don’t leave the child on their own until both parent and child feel confident in the child’s abilities.

Another reason parents want to raise independent children is because parenting is a lot of work! There are times when parents are just tired from the act of child care (it’s no surprise that parents report being less happy than nonparents). They tell themselves that independence is best for their kids just so they can get a break from the exhausting work of hands-on parenting.

Unfortunately, independence is not a healthy solution to their problem because when children are forced to be independent, violence is introduced into the equation. For example, if a child is struggling with their homework and asks for help, telling them to “be independent” isn’t going to magically help them understand how to do the work. They will just end up feeling stuck and helpless, or worse yet, they might feel like needing help is a shortcoming on their part and something to be ashamed of.

This violence is a symptom of an imbalanced or broken Care Cycle (see our rules for the Care Cycle here), but there are ways to fix such imbalances. The first way is for a parent to understand that they don’t have to independently raise their child. At the risk of sounding cliche, it takes a village to raise a child, and being an active participant in the village helps strengthen the fabric of the community.

I’ve tutored my daughter’s friends in math because it wasn’t their parents’ cup of tea, and my daughter has learned to bake cookies at her friend’s house because it’s not something we would normally do at home. The kids end up with a breadth of experiences – and increased competence – by learning skills from different people, while we reinforce the value of connectedness and interdependence within our community.

If a parent finds themself unmotivated to help their child, there’s a different problem. They need to take a closer look at the Care Cycle they share with their child and examine what’s going wrong. They may be investing a lot of time and energy into childcare without seeing the results they want, but are they giving their child the kind of attention that child needs? Or are they showering the child with ministrations that the child in fact does not need? 

Maybe people have influenced the parent to expect the wrong thing in return for the attention they give to their child. Instead of being rewarded by seeing their child thrive and enjoying their child relating to them with love and joy, they want their child to collect accomplishments and acknowledgement so that the parent can boost their own social standing. The need for external validation is not a part of a healthy Care Cycle and must be re-balanced by honest reflection of a parent’s own motivations.

If parents follow the rules of a healthy Care Cycle – between themselves and their children, and within their community – raising capable children can be more fruitful, less tiring, and reinforce social bonds. Loving parents want their children to grow into dependable, confident, happy adults, and this isn’t accomplished by doing everything for them, nor is it accomplished by forcing them to fend for themselves. 

It’s our job to teach our kids to be dependable and competent, to give them the skills and abilities to live a good life. And if they should occasionally need to be independent in a given situation, they will know how to make it to the other side. But we would be doing our children – and our communities – a disservice by cutting people off from each other and breaking the fabric of society’s Care Cycles in the name of being independent.

-E