Kids Self-Diagnosing Disorders
In this series, our Resident Sage responds to challenges readers are grappling with in their lives. All stories are anonymized for privacy.
During a recent conversation with my niece (17F), she mentioned that she was diagnosed as being on the autism spectrum. I was surprised, as my brother had never mentioned this to me. When I asked him, “When was your daughter diagnosed with autism?” he replied, “You mean self-diagnosed?” I’ve since heard from other teenagers that their friends are “self-identifying” as being on the autism spectrum and/or having ADHD. What is going on here?
Why might an adolescent child diagnose themselves with autism or ADHD? Well, let’s think about what the child’s understanding of these conditions are. I don’t think the average kid really understands what being on the autism spectrum means, but when they meet autistic kids the first thing that comes across is that they’re very self-centered; I don’t mean this in a pejorative way, just that they are generally only concerned with themselves and what they’re doing. Other kids may also see them as socially awkward, but they’re not criticized for doing things that are typically “socially unacceptable.” Kids learn that being diagnosed with autism could give them some advantage: it takes the pressure off of forced social conformity. So instead of conforming the way they perceive they’re expected to, they give themselves a pass to not conform.
It seems to adolescents that kids on the spectrum “get away with” behaviors that a typical kid might be corrected for, but you have to accept them because they have a condition or disability. But they’re confusing being neurotypical with being socially typical. Kids are told that if you’re neuro-divergent, then it’s okay that you’re also socially divergent. And we’ve made it easier to accept those behaviors if they’re neuro-divergent because it’s something they cannot control, as opposed to them being socially divergent, which is something we do try to change. The problem is, they may also have no control over being socially divergent. For example, kids sometimes act out when things are rough at home; they can’t control that, but it might feel less bad to say, “Oh this is part of my biology,” rather than to say, “My home situation sucks.”
Instead of immediately assuming someone has a medical condition, we should start by looking at the external environment. When a kid self-diagnoses and says, “Hey, I'm on the autism spectrum,” it’s often another way of saying, “Hey, I am not being heard. I have to be selfish so that somebody hears me,” or, “I don’t know how to express myself in a way that’s not gonna get me in trouble.” As the adults in the situation, we need to ask, “What does she really need? What is she really asking for?”
ADHD is another perfect example. So many kids are demanding their parents have them tested for ADHD, and when their test comes back normal, they’re almost disappointed. The scary thing is, even by middle school, kids know that prescription drugs like Adderall help them focus at school. When a student has trouble focusing (and it seems like no one else does), they assume they have a medical condition and they need prescription meds to help them. What parents should be doing is looking at why their student feels they need to be doing more work than they can handle. Where is this overpressure coming from? Only then can we relieve them of this pressure and assure them that it’s okay.
The real disease kids are facing these days is that they’re under an extreme amount of pressure, and they can’t take it. And we all pathologize this. We pathologize everything. We want to categorize everything that has to do with emotions as rooted in neurology, because if something is wrong with your nerves, then you can prescribe medication to correct it. If you don’t feel good, then you’re depressed, or you’re anxious, which means you’re sick and you definitely need medication. Instead of looking at the situation, society wants to medicate these feelings out of you.
So what should we do? Let’s start by paying our kids the attention they need, making sure they are understood and that they have enough care. We need to have a heart-to-heart connection to understand what is important to them, and that takes time. Unfortunately, our kids spend most of their day at school, and our schools are so determined to make them conform, to achieve, to turn them into miniature CEOs with “leadership skills” so they will be “extraordinary.” Kids need to be allowed to explore who they are, how they like to learn, what they want to learn.
Kids are very interested in learning, and kids are very interested in fitting in socially, but sometimes it takes time to understand the rules and how to get the attention and the care that they really want. Instead, we choose to spend that time making sure they get high marks on yet another standardized test. We need to make schools a place where kids can thrive. “Special Ed” was formalized with the intention of accepting kids in their authenticity, conveying that kids can be different and it’s okay, but the truth is, all of our kids are special and we should accept them all in their authenticity.
-E