Puppy Love and Peer Pressure

In this series, our Resident Sage responds to challenges readers are grappling with in their lives. All stories are anonymized for privacy.

Last school year, my daughter, Lauren (13F) – who likes both boys and girls – had a crush on one of the girls in her friend group, Olivia (13F). It turned out that Olivia also had a crush on Lauren! They continued to hang out in the group together but never paired off and officially became a couple.

By the spring, Lauren’s feelings had cooled off and she began to have a crush on a boy named Noah (13M). Lauren didn’t tell any of her friends about Noah, which I believe is because she didn’t want to hurt Olivia’s feelings.

Nothing really came of her crush on Noah by the time summer hit, and everyone dispersed during the school break. Lauren and Olivia went to the same day camp for one week over the summer, but otherwise didn’t see much of each other.

Now everyone is back in school, and based on what I’ve pieced together from overhearing my daughter and her friends talk, it seems that Olivia told the entire soccer team that Lauren likes Noah! Lauren was very upset with Olivia when she found out, but instead of offering an apology or explanation, Olivia is now pressuring Lauren to say whether Lauren still likes her. I’m talking 50+ texts saying, “Please just tell me, I’m going to throw up if I don’t get an answer,” and, “You’re stressing me out and I won’t be able to sleep if you don't tell me.” The intensity and persistence of her texts are making me uncomfortable.

Then Lauren started getting texts from someone she doesn’t know, asking, “Do you like Olivia?” and when she doesn’t respond, the mystery texter will harass her by saying, “It’s a simple yes or no question.” They won’t tell Lauren who they are, and when Lauren asked, “Is this Olivia?” they just replied, “You know Olivia well, right?”

I don’t know if I’m being hyper-vigilant but it’s just kinda creepy to me. I’m really hoping Olivia is just teasing Lauren and I’m reading more into this than there actually is. I remember being a teenager and being intrigued by new people, almost like having a fascination with mysterious people. But I’m worried about cyberbullying and people mistreating my daughter.

The situation is causing a real divide between me and my daughter because I told her that she just needs to be honest and upfront with Olivia. Tell Olivia how she feels and be kind and honest with her because she values their friendship. On the other hand, I think Olivia may not be a healthy friend for her to have and maybe she should distance herself.

I cautioned Lauren last year that it can be tricky to have romantic feelings for someone in your friend group and how it can complicate your other friendships. I know that when some of her friends found out that Lauren had a crush on someone new, they were very adamant that she should tell Olivia. But I was like, “Why? You’re not dating, you don’t have any agreement that you can’t like other people.”

Lauren is highly conflict-averse and always wants everyone else to be happy, so she’s just not answering Olivia at all, she just skirts around the subject. I don’t know what it’s like at school, but Olivia’s texts are incessant. Olivia even stopped by the house unannounced the other day looking for Lauren (at the time I had no idea what was going on). Lauren is very clear when she likes someone, but when she doesn’t want to disappoint, then she just avoids answering.

I’m not sure how far to take this. Should I talk to Olivia’s mom about this? Do I give Lauren a deadline to work this out herself? She doesn’t want to address it, but she doesn’t want to hang out with Olivia anymore and only sees her when they’re at an event like a birthday party. I think Lauren just doesn’t know how to gracefully exit this situation without perhaps some judgment and disappointment from her other friends.

Young love is so tender, but the age of thirteen is a good time to start introducing some of the good communication and boundary-setting habits we want our adolescents to practice as they grow into adults. Let me start by saying that it sounds like you have a very strong connection with your daughter and she’s lucky that she has you to talk to. While she should take the lead in working through this situation, I’m glad she knows she can turn to you when she feels in over her head, and that you’re there to step in and help her, if needed.

That said, you’re definitely right to be concerned about this mystery texter who has reached out to Lauren. You cannot create a real connection when you don’t know who you’re talking to; absolutely not, what this person is doing is not communicating, it’s stalking.

I don’t believe that it’s Olivia on the other end of these texts, because Olivia is so forthright (and perhaps even forceful) when trying to engage Lauren on the topic of their romantic feelings. I do think there are other people involved who are working on behalf of Olivia or trying to put pressure on Lauren at Olivia’s behest.

At this age, romance can be a bit of a spectator sport, with different groups cheering on their gladiator. They’re not necessarily interested in what’s best for each of their friends, they just want to see a good show. This is a problem because matters of the heart are an individual endeavor: you have feelings for who you have feelings for, and no amount of group discussion is going to change how you feel inside.

Lauren’s friends are not entitled to know how she feels, to meddle or manipulate, or to pressure her to act in a way that she isn’t comfortable acting. They are out of bounds and should not be involved uninvited into the affairs of Lauren’s heart.

So the first thing Lauren needs to do is to cut off any contact with this mystery texter. The advantage of these messages coming via text is that she can simply block the number and the contact will end, no explanation needed. While the mystery and intrigue may have some appeal, there is little to be gained and a lot to be lost in such a situation, the most notable of which is exposing Lauren to an unknown party. No good can come of this.

The next thing Lauren should do is to tell Olivia that she needs space to sort out her own romantic feelings. Lauren should tell Olivia that right now, she doesn’t know enough about how she feels to make a declaration, but she would like to remain friends. Part of being friends is to have respect for each other’s boundaries, and one of the boundaries Lauren should be setting with Olivia is that it’s up to Lauren and Lauren alone when she will disclose how she feels about anyone; she will not be manipulated or coerced into saying any more than she is ready to say.

Arguably the most critical thing Lauren needs to do is to kick the peanut gallery out of her romantic life. Yes, girls at every age often share their feelings about crushes and new love with each other, but this must be done at Lauren’s pace. If she wants to ask her friends for advice, or even just share how she feels about a romantic interest, then she absolutely should. But Lauren should never feel pressured to talk about something she’s not ready or willing to talk about.

This is where you, Mom, can be of the most help to Lauren by reinforcing her right to privacy, and in calling other parents to escalate any infringement on that privacy, if necessary. If Olivia continues to trample on Lauren’s boundaries, you should be able to let Olivia’s mom know directly in order to protect your daughter. This is also true of the peanut gallery and their parents if they continue to put pressure on her.

You were right when you said that developing romantic feelings for someone in your friend group can complicate things, both for the couple and for the group. As Lauren gets older, she will start to see that the best way to mitigate any drama when this happens is to keep the relationship private and not to let everyone weigh in on what should go on between the two parties. Good friends respect boundaries.

Good luck!

-E