Breakups and Butter Chicken
In this series, our Resident Sage responds to challenges readers are grappling with in their lives. All stories are anonymized for privacy.
My significant other (39M) and I (36F) recently ended our two year relationship, but I still find myself wanting to take care of him in the ways I used to. He broke up with me abruptly even though we were getting along fine (I can only speculate as to why), so when things ended between us, I loved him as much as I ever had. It’s clear, though, that reconciliation is out of the question.
Now I have to find a way to move on, but I still think of him all the time. I’ve always enjoyed cooking, and I know he doesn’t eat well when he’s alone (I did the bulk of the cooking when we were together), so even now when I make a really nice dish, the idea of dropping him off a portion, à la DoorDash, always springs to mind.
I’m not actually crazy enough to act on this impulse, but the impulse is there and I have no idea why. Can you help me understand why I still want to do nice things for someone who is no longer in my life? And how do I move on from this?
I’m sorry to hear about your breakup, you must be heartbroken about the sudden end of your relationship. It is never easy when the flame of love dies, and the emotional pain that comes with it is just as real as physical pain. This is tremendously difficult, and my heart goes out to you.
As far as your desire to keep feeding your former love, cooking for someone is a very caring gesture. If you were doing most of the cooking during your relationship, it’s probably because you got a very positive response that he was receptive to you caring for him in this way. They have a saying in German, “Love goes through the stomach,” so cooking was a tried-and-true way that you loved and cared for him.
Cooking actually belongs to the Earth element, which is very solid and tangible. When you could not hold on to the airy flame of love, of course you started to look for a concrete way to keep up the connection that was cut off. Perhaps you thought, “Maybe it’s worth trying, if I used to connect with him this way, it might work again.”
But you’re choosing not to act on your impulse, and I think it’s because you don’t really expect to be able to re-establish a connection with him by doing this. Even if you did go through with dropping off food at his door, it’s like your soul is just trying to create its own little sacrificial ritual, like burning a candle at the altar.
I’m so sorry that he’s no longer in your life, but make cooking something that nourishes your soul. Cherish what you had, go back to the memories of your love. You cannot experience it now, but you will always have the memories of when the two of you were connected. Relish those memories and cook more, cook for your friends, and remember that cooking will always allow you to connect with others. Even if the other people you cook for could never replace your love, at least you still have the ability to connect via food, just not with him.
It’s such a pity that when we get hurt, we stop doing the things we enjoyed with the other person. But nobody can take away your pleasure in cooking, and nobody can take away the fond memories you made. Cherish the memories and see that you can still enjoy connecting with others through cooking, and slowly but surely, you will heal from this.
-E
